The 2009 Muckmaker Awards (Page 2)

Worst Religious Leader: Joseph Kony
You may have never heard of Joseph Kony, but he’s one of the most powerful Christian leaders in the world. You may have never heard of his militia, the Lord’s Resistance Army, but they have murdered more people than al Qaeda, Hezbollah, and Hamas combined. The International Criminal Court indicted Kony on 33 charges – 12 counts of crimes against humanity and 21 counts of war crimes. He helped start a war in Northern Uganda that has lasted over 22 years, claimed tens of thousands of lives, and displaced over two million people, accounting for 90% of the population of northern Uganda. He has abducted over 20,000 children to serve as soldiers or sex slaves, keeping anywhere from 27 to 50 little girls as his own “wives” and forcing many of his “recruits” to slay their own parents as initiation. And he’s done it all with the help of a deadly blend of Christianity and mysticism. His “council” not only includes the Holy Spirit, but a host of dead spirits that speak to him from the great beyond. His original, mostly unsuccessful military fought in cross-shaped formations and used holy water in battle, but the Lord’s Resistance Army has grown into a much more formidable threat, fighting to overthrow the current government and establish a new one based on the Ten Commandments. (Sounds familiar.) The government of Southern Sudan has hosted two years worth of talks between the Ugandan government and the LRA, and just when they seemed ready to reach an agreement in April of 2008, Kony failed to appear to sign the peace treaty, citing fears of arrest or assassination. Gee, I can’t imagine why anyone would want you dead, Joe. The most the U.S. has done to stop this guy was have the Treasury Department place him on its list of “specially designated global terrorists” in August, which (shockingly) hasn’t discouraged him one bit. On Christmas Eve, the LRA slaughtered 189 people and kidnapped 20 children during a celebration sponsored by a Catholic church in Faradje, Democratic Republic of Congo. Kony, a former altar boy himself, must have missed that Christmas mass where the priest talks about peace on Earth and good will toward men…every fucking year for 22 years. And here you thought that the Pope was an asshole – Joseph is so fucking evil that he has a James Bond villain based on him! I wouldn’t mind sending Daniel Craig into Uganda to strangle the shit out of his real-life counterpart, but it seems like as long as Africa’s problems remain on the “meh” list of priorities for Americans and Europeans, Kony’s probably going to have a very profitable and holy new year. We do appreciate a good Christian nation, after all.
Runner-Up: Hassan Nasrallah
Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah may be the most influential radical Shiite leader in the Arab world, but he didn’t win this award for one big reason – he didn’t die and I’m disappointed. Nasrallah survived an assassination attempt by poisoning in October, much to the chagrin of…well…everyone but the fucking Shiites. Although Hezbollah denied that he was poisoned, a group of Iranian doctors were flown in to Lebanon on a special military flight to care for him, so I can only assume that they were either lying or that he really must have put off his prostate exam. Either way, fucking die already, man. Then again, if Hassan died, he wouldn’t get the award anyway because he’d cease to be a muckmaker. Oh well, fuck ‘em anyway. If you won’t blow yourself up, at least die of unchecked ass cancer.

Worst Religion: Islam
Better luck next year, Christians – Islam killed waaaaay more innocent people than you did. You guys really have to step up your game. All you Christians do anymore is roll around in boatloads of money and whine that everyone who’s not part of your specific sect should be more like you. What happened to the Christianity of the Crusades? The Inquisition? Even the Nazis had some pretty awesome Christian influence. Islamic extremists are out there every fucking day, blowing themselves up and not fucking a bunch of virgins because there’s nothing left of their genitals, and what are you guys doing? Still bitching about gay marriage? C’mon guys, get with the program. It’s not enough for a religion to be just a powerful brainwashing mechanism anymore. You’ve got to heartlessly slaughter large groups of people for no other reason than to show people how much cooler your invisible man is than theirs, or something like that…I got over the whole “imaginary friend” thing when I was about six. Your god’s way cooler! I mean, you can at least draw pictures of your prophet! That’s one step closer to him actually existing “for reals,” right? But seriously, Muslims busted their asses in 2008. To list everyone killed in the name of their god would just further humiliate the Christians, so I’ll just briefly talk about their most widely discussed muckmaking of the year – the November attacks on Mumbai, India. At least 164 people were killed and 293 were wounded by a group of only ten terrorists – most of them only in their twenties. Many of the bodies were found disfigured or mutilated with signs of torture and sexual molestation. The one terrorist left alive claimed to be working for Lashkar-e-Taiba (roughly translated: Army of the Rapidly Shrinking Numbers at This Rate), but does it even really matter which Muslim group it was anymore? Until we all collectively get off our knees and start looking at what’s right in front of us instead of what might possibly be above, this award’s going to have a winner each and every year. I’m sure they’re already writing next year’s acceptance speech.
Runner-Up: Mormonism
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Superfriends (or whatever it is they worship) has come under some heavy fire back here in the States for that whole Proposition 8 thing. They may not have killed anybody, but they’re certainly working hard to slow down our progress as a nation. Even if you don’t support gay marriage, which clearly means you care way too much about other people’s sex lives, you’ve really got to consider the source of your information here. Mormons raised about $24 million to influence people’s vote on something they had already decided years ago, but they all neglected to mention a small addendum: “Brought to you by the guys who wear magic underwear.” If California collectively changed its mind because of their influence, there’s something unquestionably wrong here. Seriously, imagine if someone came up to you and said, “Hey, I believe that god lives on a distant planet and fucks lots of hot chicks. One day, he sent an angel down to talk to some dude named Joe and tell him that he needs to translate a bunch of books inscribed on golden plates that only he ever saw. This book tells us that Native Americans came from Israel and that all black people are cursed to be that color because they fought on the side of Lucifer in some intergalactic battle. Would you like to hear my opinions on what I think other people should be doing with their lives?” How do you think you’d respond to that? Let’s stop defending these idiots and let everybody fuck whoever they want already.

Worst Politician: John McCain
I’ve already ragged on the “maverick” a few times in this list, so I’ll keep this as brief as possible without trying to be redundant – John McCain is the epitome of why we hate politicians. A child of privilege, he got everything he wanted, including a stint in the Navy, where, despite being a terrible pilot, he got to crash a bunch of planes with virtually no consequences because of his last name. His last plane crash didn’t pan out so well for him, however, and he ended up getting captured and tortured by the Vietnamese. He, like all his fellow POWs, refused early release, but unlike his cellmates, he got to use this as his golden ticket into politics. His reforms sound a little hypocritical because he was involved in a huge corruption scandal? Don’t worry – he was tortured as a POW. His temper flared up and he made an ass out of himself again? You do know he refused an early release, right? When he was burned by his own party in 2000, instead of acting like the maverick he claimed to be, he kissed ass and changed anything his party didn’t like about him to better fit the Bush archetype they hoped to install in the White House. When it was clear that he wasn’t a passable (or even interesting) candidate on his own, his campaign turned to Karl Rove (and several of his “students”) to turn things around. The man who promised to run a clean, honest campaign let his advisors run wild with smear ads and speeches loaded with buzzwords and scare tactics. He let them convince him to pick Sarah Palin, an undoubtedly unqualified idiot, instead of his first choice, another undoubtedly unqualified idiot, but at least it was his undoubtedly unqualified idiot. Religious leaders that he labeled as “agents of intolerance” suddenly became his best friends when he needed their support. McCain was sold to the public as a strong leader in the face of adversity, but when it came right down to it, he just wanted to do (or say) anything to win. I’d like to say that he sold himself out, but John was never that great a guy to begin with. He was a rich, drunken, whiny frat boy who got his way because of who his father and grandfather were. He cheated on his first wife because she was disfigured in a car accident, then divorced her and remarried a much younger and richer wife who funded his entry into politics and gave him more powerful connections. Their marriage clearly turned out to be one of convenience, as Cindy slipped into depression and developed a drug habit. While McCain may have been a maverick in his own mind, his co-workers just thought he was an asshole. His temper became infamous, even blowing up on Cindy in front of reporters over his hair loss, and while he was quick to point out the faults in others, he wanted dirt like the Keating Five swept under the rug. He tried hard to establish himself as drastically different from his predecessor this past election, but all he ended up doing was proving that he was cut from the same raggedy old cloth. (Who knew they kept records of all those pesky Senate votes?) And just as quickly as his party pushed him to the forefront, they abandoned him once again, admitting that he would have done a poor job, but unable to confess that they were willing to thrust his mediocrity on the American people anyway after giving us eight years of Dubya. Shame on the Republicans, and shame on John McCain. The personal stuff isn’t what really gets to me about you, John – it’s that you’ve tried your whole life to get people to believe that you have traits that you’ll never have and that you’re a hero you’ll never really be. That’s why we hate politicians, Johnny Boy, and that’s why you didn’t get elected.
Runner-Up: Joseph Lieberman
Speaking of that other undoubtedly unqualified idiot, Joe Lieberman is another spineless asswipe who needs to pick a side and stick with it. I realize that this shouldn’t be a two-party system and that our politicians should be more diverse and open to other ideas besides their party’s standard beliefs, but this guy just wants to be a part of whatever benefits him most. When he’s not beating the war drum or filling his pockets with corporate handouts, he’s taking potshots at whichever party isn’t considering him for higher office. The Democrats need to kick him out and the Republicans need to avoid him like a crazy ex-boyfriend. And if you thought Obama’s former pastor was crazy, then you’ve got to check out Joe’s Christian friend, John Hagee, who offers such pearls of wisdom as, “Hitler was an agent of God and He allowed the Holocaust to happen so Israel could be created.” I’m paraphrasing, but yeah, that’s really what he thinks. Lieberman can’t even be a faithful Jew, never mind a faithful politician!

Worst Businessman: Bernard Madoff
Bernard Madoff is a name that is now synonymous with Charles Ponzi, so I guess this means that we’re never going to see that musical he produced – “How to Succeed in Business Without Ever Having Any Actual Money.” As if things weren’t bad enough in this sinking economy, we come to find that one of the biggest businessmen on Wall Street has lost us another $50 billion just by telling a little fib. Ok, he pulled off the largest investor fraud ever committed by a single individual, so it was a bit more than a fib, but it certainly makes this monster more relatable – it turns out that he’s actually about as poor as the rest of us. The big difference is that the most money you ever stole was probably a few bucks out of your mom’s purse when you were fourteen…this guy has financially raped banks, businesses, schools, religious organizations, charities, investors, and Kevin Bacon (no, really). Whereas Kevin can just make Hollow Man 3 and he’ll be monetarily secure again, everyone else will probably not be so lucky. One of his investors even killed himself after hearing the news, which makes me wonder how long it’s going to be before we start seeing some Depression-era skyscraper jumping. (Which someone should totally make a sport, by the way. It’s entertainment and a shorter wait in the breadline!) At first glance, Madoff’s ruin may seem like Wall Street simply getting theirs – a bunch of greedy pigs getting skewered – but, unfortunately, it runs so much deeper than that. Everyday people have lost their jobs, retirement funds, and life savings. Charities have been shut down. Banks are just utterly fucked. Despite admitting now that he owned “absolutely nothing,” he has lived the good life since the ‘70s. He lived in a $5 million “apartment” in Manhattan (You have to use the term loosely at that price tag.), which was his primary residence, but owned nine other properties, including a home in France and a $9 million mansion in Palm Beach. He owned three cars, four boats, and quite a bit of jewelry, apparently. Violating a court order after his arrest, he mailed over $1 million worth of gold watches, diamond necklaces, and other “personal items” to friends and family – all clearly paid for by his victims, including the shipping, I’m sure. This is a mucus-filled spit in the face towards every last sucker he cheated, and yet prosecutors are talking a maximum of 20 years in prison and a $5 million fine if convicted. Yeah, he’s already 70 years old, so 20 years would probably be life anyway, but 20 years in Club Fed sounds a lot better than 20 years as a bankrupted street beggar. We’ve got a bunch of untried “potential” criminals rotting in Gitmo as we speak…isn’t it time to open a white collar branch for proven criminals? (Bush and Cheney wouldn’t mind closing it down then if that were the case.) He’s certainly hit us harder than any terrorist could ever hope to. I doubt that even Amnesty International would object to us torturing this son of a bitch for the rest of his natural life. Hell, I’m so through with our “justice” system’s bullshit rules and regulations at this point that I’d be willing to lock up Robert Loggia just for looking like Madoff. It’s about time for Bernie, and other corporate criminals, to start paying back their debts like the rest of us do – by getting nice and cozy with Bubba. Instead, as of this article’s publication, he’s sitting in his own home with a monitoring bracelet around his ankle, out on bail. I wonder whose money his wife used to bail him out…? Apparently, “absolutely nothing” is worth a $10 million bond: a bond with eased conditions, no less. I’ll have to tell my bill collectors that one the next time they call my house looking for money I don’t have. “He was God to people,” commented Charles Gradante, one of Hennessee Group’s co-founders. Like God, he turned out to be a fraud, a cheap metaphor for nonexistent benevolence. And like money, they both only look good on paper.
Runner-Up: None
You really expect me to have a runner-up for this guy? Largest investor fraud by one guy, ever. Ever. Nobody even comes close. Not even Ponzi, and he came up with the fucking scheme! Good luck topping this one next year.

Worst Muckmaker: The Loan Sharks (Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, Sallie Mae, and the banks)
We have become one nation, under debt, insurmountable, with liberty and justice for none. The total federal debt of the United States was $10.6 trillion as of November 19, 2008. That’s about $37,316 per citizen. And the very companies that have profited from this debt, and will continue to do so, just got bailed out with our tax dollars. To put my outrage simply, the very companies that are threatening to take our homes, vehicles, and lives away and destroy our credit so bad that we couldn’t hope to pay for anything unless it’s in straight cash are the same people who will receive about $200 billion of our money. Yes, I am fully aware that this bailout had to happen to prevent a much larger financial crisis – that doesn’t mean that it couldn’t have been prevented. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were deliberately taken advantage of by primary mortgage lenders who knew that they would have to buy up all the mortgages below $417,000. These primary lenders could care less if the borrowers paid Fannie and Freddy back or not – they made their money already off fees and commission from their sales. But Fannie and Freddie overstated their capital cushion, accepted sub-prime mortgages, and continued to pay their executives ridiculously well even as their stock plummeted, so they certainly didn’t help themselves either. What it boils down to is that we’re paying for the mismanagement of their businesses. They blatantly lied to us about what we could and couldn’t afford, the actual value of our properties, and the terms we were agreeing to. They took advantage of every person not fluent in legal jargon, and when people started defaulting or foreclosing as a direct result of their deception, they got our money anyway from the government. Now they’re happy, Wall Street’s happy, China’s happy, and the Senate’s happy for actually coming together and accomplishing something, albeit many years too late. Meanwhile, we’re all depressed as shit because we’re still in a shitload of ever-increasing debt. I included Sallie Mae in this list because not only are they going to receive a bailout at some point, I’m sure, but because they’re another institution that continues to profit from our misery, promising to help us achieve our dreams if we just sign our lives away. If you ask your average citizen, most of them think that being rich would be great and all, but many years of hard labor in an unfair system have simply created a basic desire in most to have the essentials – a reliable car, a nice home, and a decent job – and be satisfied with that. The reality is that most of us will never score that amazing job that will afford us these luxuries, so instead, we must resort to borrowing money we don’t have in the hope that things will eventually improve, but they often never do. The slogan becoming more and more popular by the day is, “Where’s my bailout?” and rightfully so. What happened to the fundamentals of our American Dream? What has happened to capitalism and the free market? What has happened to our democracy? The villain here is debt, but its henchmen are the loan sharks, hunting you down like Jaws to the Orca. These are the true muckmakers of 2008, causing a worldwide financial crisis while tightening their grip on our wallets and our well-being. If this country wants real change, we should start by subscribing to a system that actually lets us own something of our own, even if it’s simply a piece of mind.