Scranton Catholic Bishop Wants to Protect Children, Fails to See Irony

It appears that Bishop Joseph F. Martino of the Diocese of Scranton is at it again. Back in October, I bashed the bishop for writing a letter that compared voting for Obama and Biden to endorsing homicide because of their stance on abortion. It was read as a homily in every Catholic church in my hometown of Scranton, PA, and ended up making national news as a result. Obviously, this letter had little effect, as Pennsylvania (and more than half the country) ended up voting Obama in, and as a result, millions of innocent children were sentenced to death in the largest case of mass genocide since the Holocaust. Actually, that didn’t happen at all…I just enjoy exaggerating false claims by using headline-making buzzwords like “homicide,” “genocide,” or “Holocaust” so I can pretend that I’m still relevant in a contemporary world that views religion as more of a punchline than a way of life. But Martino is unmistakably better at it than I am, as he so aptly demonstrated in his latest letter to Senator Bob Casey. I read this in my local paper as I took my morning constitution, which seems appropriate, considering the content…

…Martino accuses Sen. Bob Casey of “cooperating with … evil” by refusing to back legislation to block U.S. tax dollars from flowing to foreign family planning groups that refuse to renounce abortion. In a Jan. 30 letter to the senator, the bishop also calls on Mr. Casey to live up to his Catholic faith and “oppose abortion and other clear evils, including contraception.”

God complex? Whatever do you mean?

The article was accompanied by a wonderfully telling picture of Martino, pleading for the lives of the unborn with a backdrop of Jesus behind him, as if we’re supposed to mentally associate him with the supposed savior of mankind. As far as I remember from my days as an unwilling Catholic school boy, I cannot recall any passage where Jesus got so angry at the injustices of the world that he sat down and wrote a bunch of nasty letters, but then again, I was too busy scheming the quickest way to get excommunicated so I didn’t have to sit in church and listen to guys like Martino stroke their egos harder than they stroked the altar boys. While the bishop didn’t threaten to kick Casey out, he did lay the Catholic guilt on pretty thick in his letter…

Your vote against the Mexico City Policy will mean the deaths of thousands of unborn children. This is an offense against life and a denial of our Catholic teaching on the dignity of every human being. This action is worthy of condemnation by all moral men and women. Your release also says that you support “family planning…specifically because reducing unintended pregnancies reduces the number of abortions.” I remind you that it is never permissible to use immoral means (e.g., artificial contraception) to achieve a good end.

Yes, the Trojan Man is apparently an agent of Satan. He may be able to drum up some support with the “Baby killer!” battle cry, but I think he’s going to be hard-pressed to find everyday Catholics who are just as eager to condemn condoms and birth control pills in the year 2009. When my parents were young, it was a hell-worthy trespass for women to walk into church without something covering their head…now they don’t care if you show up in your pajamas, as long as those PJs have a pocket full of cash to toss in the collection basket. It’s interesting how something that like pissed off God pretty bad just a few decades ago, but now he’s totally over it when he realized that less people were showing up to get bitched at. I wonder how much longer it’s going to be before dong bags are off his no-no list…I have a feeling it’ll be right around the time that the senior citizens start dropping dead and the current generations stop taking their place. It’s funny how God’s wrath directly correlates with popular opinion as time passes and congregations dwindle. It’s as if someone’s just making this shit up as they go along!

Obviously, Bishop Martino is an old school son of a bitch. After all, this is a guy who still writes letters in the age of e-mails and video chats. The only way to communicate with a guy like that is to fight fire with fire, so I’ve written my own little love note to this champion of the unborn…

Dear Bishop Martino,

It’s been a few months since we’ve heard from the Diocese of Scranton. It doesn’t seem to make the paper too often, unless you’re causing some sort of uproar about something. It’s interesting that I haven’t heard about all the hungry people you’ve fed or the homeless you’ve sheltered…it appears that you don’t have any statistics on that. You seem to be able to estimate how many unborn children have been aborted, but I don’t recall hearing about the number of children you’ve saved from starvation or broken homes. You seem very concerned about topics that you, truthfully, have absolutely no affect on, yet those areas in which you can help greatly, you seem practically indifferent to.

The subjects out of your reach that I refer to are sex, abortion, and contraception. You may think that you have an influence in these areas, but I have yet to locate any figures that correlate with your pomposity. People like sex. In fact, they really enjoy it. It makes our short time on Earth just a little bit more tolerable. It gives us something to look forward to, besides eternal damnation, of course. People don’t like getting bitched at. In fact, people really hate it. It makes our short time on Earth a whole fuckin’ lot worse than it needs to be. Why is it that the term “Catholic guilt” exists, yet “Catholic reprieve” does not in a religion founded on the principles of love and forgiveness? You may have noticed a steadily growing amount of empty pews every Sunday. I hear that many churches are closing in our area, and congregations are being combined in hopes of saving this outmoded tradition. Just a suggestion, but you might want to put two and two together here. People are sick and tired of being told that feelings that come perfectly natural to them are perverted and wrong. Contraception is evil, but “being fruitful” and popping out 12 children that you can’t/won’t care for isn’t? So society must raise all the unwanted children because the Church only cares about their livelihood while they’re still in the womb? “Abstinence” is a policy that hasn’t even worked for your fellow clergymen, and your kind are supposed to have a direct link to the Almighty. To expect the lowly servants of God, whose prayers fall all too often on deaf or disinterested ears, to deny their own innate programming, is not only asking a bit much, but just plain cruel. And to ask them to raise another child every time they partake in this release is just insanity.

Your judgments, too, are so final, so intolerant, that you fail to see even one bit of good in the rescinding of the Mexico City Policy. You talk about millions of lives lost, but fail to see that millions are saved because contraception significantly reduces the number of STDs, including HIV and AIDS, that are spread every day in frightening numbers. Abortions are your primary target, your ultimate example of evil, yet you also reject the very things that would obviously prevent these unwanted pregnancies from ever occurring in the first place, including education about their alternatives outside of abstinence…ask your last Vice Presidential hopeful how well that worked out for her daughter. This policy has been called the “Global Gag Rule” for a reason. You expect people to do the right thing, but without giving them all the available options, are they really making any sort of moral choice? It’s as if you want to prey on people’s ignorance in hopes of forcing them to “do good” by making a choice that, for all they know, is the only solution. Of course, your religion has always preyed on the ignorance of others, so I guess this simply comes natural, but consider the unwanted side effects of the Mexico City Policy, like the fact that many clinics are forced to close down as direct result of not receiving U.S. funding, even if they don’t actually offer abortions to their patients. All they have to do is whisper about something that doesn’t fit into your ideology and they’re cut, thus preventing countless women worldwide from even getting a basic gynecological exam. This also cuts off funding for AIDS prevention and treatment. It halted the shipment of condoms and contraceptives to more than 20 countries. This is why the separation of church and state exists, and why Mr. Casey should be applauded for leaving his religious convictions at the door when voting on policies that affect everyone – not just self-righteous Christians. Until you stop preaching and start offering viable solutions to major issues, such as overpopulation, containment of STDs, and how to feed/clothe/shelter/care for the millions of extra lives “saved” from abortion or contraception, I must implore you to stop writing letters and start planning resolutions.

By the way, I couldn’t help but notice that you referred to Casey as a hypocrite, as he voted for the Hatch Amendment to the Children’s Health Insurance Program Reorganization Act of 2009, which makes unborn children eligible for health assistance, but supported the banning of the Mexico City Policy. And I quote: “What hypocrisy offers health insurance to children in one part of the world when children in another part will be deprived, by the stroke of the same pen, of their first breath?” Clever, but I have a similar question for you: What kind of hypocrite claims to be a champion for the lives of children but must also include a special link of the menu and front page of his official website to report claims of sexual abuse by his fellow clergymen? The need for such a prominent link tells me that you should look inward at your Church’s own treatment of innocent kids before you start spewing damnation at every politician trying desperately to contain major issues that can’t be solved by pretty words from men in funny hats. When most of your Church’s money isn’t going towards therapy bills and hush money, then maybe we’ll be able to have this conversation, Father. Until then, run along – the adults are talking.

Sincerely Yours in Sin,
Rich