Some Parting Words for Mr. Bush

The moment that at least 75% of us have been waiting for has finally arrived – George W. Bush’s last day as president of the United States. I could start going down the list of missteps and failures of the last eight years, but Dubya has already done that for me over the last few weeks. The man who ducked the press (and his duties) as much as possible whenever this country faced a real issue has been doing interviews at a rapid fire pace lately, hoping to do some damage control for his “legacy.” Despite his or her political affiliation, it’s hard for any journalist worth his salt to paint a rosy picture of Bush’s presidency in their inevitable retrospective articles, but he sure is hoping they’ll add some silver lining to those dark clouds. Instead of making people see these events from a different perspective, maybe give their seething vitriol a second thought, all he has succeeded in doing is confirming why we didn’t elect John McCain – we can never, ever let an asshole like this run our country again. His final press conference last week covered all the major blunders, each followed by sad excuses for excuses. Here are some of my favorites…

On the “Mission Accomplished” banner: “Clearly putting a “Mission Accomplished” on an aircraft carrier was a mistake. It sent the wrong message.”
What Captain Codpiece meant to say was that he’s disappointed that people didn’t fall for it. Maybe the mainstream media did, but the rest of us quickly remembered that we were still fighting a war at the time. We still are, by the way, and that was on May 1, 2003.

I feel like I forgot something…oh yeah, the candles!

On Hurricane Katrina: “I’ve thought long and hard about Katrina – you know, could I have done something differently, like land Air Force One either in New Orleans or Baton Rouge. The problem with that and – is that law enforcement would have been pulled away from the mission.”
If you really thought long and hard about this one, you’d have realized by now that NO ONE EVER FUCKING ASKED YOU TO LAND AIR FORCE ONE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING FLOOD. No one. Never, even in the most inane of internet commentary, have I ever once found a rational person suggesting that you should have been fishing out flood victims yourself. We don’t expect that from our politicians. Heads across the world would have collectively exploded if a world leader ever once rolled up his sleeves and did something to directly help another human being like that, although I’m sure what you actually meant was that you’d land Air Force One there to access the damage personally (a.k.a. a photo-op to appear concerned). Either way, what Americans did expect was that you’d be prepared for a natural disaster of this magnitude. We expected that these people wouldn’t be living in stadiums after several weeks. We expected that FEMA would be at least somewhat effective, and that you wouldn’t tell someone who’s clearly inept that they were doing “a heck of a job.” We expected that, years later, New Orleans still wouldn’t be in the same condition. But most of all, we expected that you wouldn’t be cutting birthday cake with John McCain. We just assumed that you had a national crisis to deal with. If you thought about this long and hard and you still couldn’t see that, then you really are as out of touch as we think you are.

On the War in Iraq: “There have been disappointments. Abu Ghraib obviously was a huge disappointment during the presidency. Not having weapons of mass destruction was a significant disappointment. I don’t know if you want to call those mistakes or not, but they were — things didn’t go according to plan, let’s put it that way.”
So what was the plan? To have this stuff covered up? Yeah, I’d imagine that was it. You were hoping that if you redirected people with your bullshit buzz words long enough that we’d overlook the fact that this war isn’t about freedom or protecting this nation – it’s about greed and getting even. You got your revenge on Saddam, but where’s ours for 9/11? You retired from this war a rich man, so why are we bankrupt? Notice even now how he changes the word “mistake” into “disappointment.” It’s obvious that journalists were waiting for that, “I’m sorry. I fucked up,” moment, but they should know better than anyone that you’ll never get one of those from a Bush.

On the worldview of the United States: “I strongly disagree with the assessment that our moral standing has been damaged. It may be damaged amongst some of the elite, but people still understand America stands for freedom, that America is a country that provides such great hope.”
This coming from the guy that doesn’t read newspapers, never mind walk outside and talk to everyday people he’s not posing in a photo-op with. Forget everybody else – America’s standing with America isn’t all that great right now, considering our current situation. Speaking of which…

On domestic affairs: “I believe that running the Social Security idea right after the ‘04 elections was a mistake. I should have argued for immigration reform.”
Yeah, because that was at the top of everyone’s list of things you should have done. Apparently the fact that we’re in an endless, costly war and that we have a record deficit that’s become a bottomless recession isn’t weighing on anyone’s mind right now. And here’s what he had to say about said financial collapse…

On the financial crisis: “I believe this – the phrase ‘burdens of the office’ is overstated. You know, it’s kind of like, why me? Oh, the burdens, you know. Why did the financial collapse have to happen on my watch? It’s just – it’s pathetic, isn’t it, self-pity?”
Is he actually trying to convince us that our economy just bottomed out while he happened to be president, as if this was an inevitable circumstance that history will unfairly blame him for? You know, for a guy who admits to not being the best speaker in the world, he certainly comprehends how to tactfully worm his way out of any accountability whatsoever by choosing just the right rhetoric. Nah, I’m kidding – he’s just full of shit. Every time he stutters, you can just see the little bits of diarrhea amongst the drool that drips from his mouth.

But this is all standard Dubya at this point. He brought nothing new to the table here that we hadn’t heard a million times before. His big term-ender couldn’t just be ignorantly snubbing Helen Thomas, could it? No, it was declaring January 18th “National Sanctity of Life Day”! I’m sure this will be celebrated about as frequently as “Jesus Day” is in Texas, which basically means about twenty religious morons with nothing better to do will hold up signs that won’t change anyone’s opinion and march down a street that the police will hopefully forget to block off. While it truthfully does absolute jack shit since he (thankfully) failed at overturning Roe v. Wade, it’s just one last “fuck you” to those of us that were kind of weirded out that the leader of the free world admitted that all his decisions were dictated by the invisible man that whispers in his ear during prayer time. It’s sad that the irony of sending thousands off to die (and murdering thousands of innocent civilians) while claiming that, “All human life is a gift from our creator that is sacred, unique and worthy of protection,” is lost on this chimp, because I find it pretty damn amusing. If only we could have aborted your presidency just as easily, George.

To think that we’ve suffered for almost a decade under this man continues to blow my mind, even as I type this, but I do have something to thank him for before he steps down. I was in high school during the 2000 election, and while politics always interested me, I never felt so individually affected by all that stuff until he became the Republican nominee. I realized very quickly that if you don’t take a very personal investment in the way this country’s run, the way of life you take for granted can be swept right out from under you. He started a war while I was the draft age. The Patriot Act was passed to scare the living shit out of anyone who dissented when it was still unpopular to do so. He tried to ban gay marriage, outlaw abortion, and meld church and state together with his Evangelical connections. I was (and clearly still am) an opinionated, anti-war, freethinking atheist, so you can image that I felt pretty cornered by this administration. But I still protested loudly, debated regularly, and wrote relentlessly. I was constantly under attack, but it motivated me to stay informed and stay politically active, and I’m a better person and citizen for it. So thank you, Mr. Bush, for putting me (and this country) through this trial by fire. You’ve shown us what the true enemy looks like, and he’s not always wearing a turban. Sometimes he just sports a cowboy hat.