The Pope’s Recent Ridiculous Statements Encapsulate Why the Church Is Outdated

When I write a full article for the site, I try not to always take the easy way out and jump on the bandwagon topic-of-the-week unless I feel like I have something unique to contribute to the discussion. When Pope Benedict said that condoms actually contributed to the spread of HIV, my reaction wasn’t very different from most other rational people – “What the fuck are you talking about?!” The Pope putting his beliefs over the common good and distorting scientific facts to coincide with his faith were nothing new to me, however, as I have written countless articles on this man’s inexcusable actions, so I was just going to ignore it and cover a topic that actually surprised me. Even Catholics who usually hung off his every word expressed their outrage through protests and polls asking the pontiff to resign. If his own followers were finally starting to see through his hypocrisy and question the church all on their own, what could I have possibly added that would fuel the fires of dissent in their heathen hearts?

But then he just wouldn’t shut up. Every time I refreshed my browser, he was making the news again and again with one ridiculous headline after the other. It was like I was Gallagher and he was just stacking watermelon after watermelon in front of me, waiting for me to pull out my oversized mallet and start smashing. And here I thought that his job was to help people resist temptation…I can keep my mallet at my side no longer. Everyone’s pretty much covered (pun completely intended) the condom comment, but here’s some other brilliant declarations by God’s Rottweiler that you may have missed (or, better yet, ignored)…

Pope Benedict XVI, who is noted for his revival of strikingly colourful traditional papal vestments, has urged Catholic priests to shun casual or scruffy attire and return to wearing smart outfits which clearly mark them out as clergy.
The Pope, who is currently visiting Cameroon and Angola, has announced a special “year of the priest” beginning on June 19. Addressing the Congregation for the Clergy before setting out of Africa he said that to encourage “spiritual perfection” among clerics, priests should “urgently rediscover the need to be ‘present, identifiable and recognizable for their faith, their personal virtues and their attire.’”

The article goes on to quote a few clergy outfitters (not to be confused with Urban Outfitters, whose prices actually seem reasonable by comparison) who are very pleased by this announcement, as well they should be – they’re the ones profiting from this materialistic decree! It doesn’t take a philosophy major to see the inherent double standard here – one of Benedict’s main messages throughout his entire career has been to abandon the need for worldly possessions, yet not only is his own wardrobe worth millions, but here he is encouraging the clergy to spend more on this year’s holiest new fashions. Personally, I think it would be refreshing to see a priest show up to church in old jeans and a cheap t-shirt, because if his words are really worth hearing, it really won’t matter what he’s wearing. Not to mention that if a guy looks a little more approachable and down-to-earth, I’m more likely to listen to him than the guy whose garb would force Prince to take it up a notch just to stand out. I tend to ignore that guy downtown who wears a tinfoil hat, a sandwich board with quotes from the Book of Revelation, and his mother’s old wedding dress who screams obscenities and unfounded prophecies at oncoming traffic because he looks like a guy who knows as much about reality as an asshole who lives in a lavish palace ensconced in luxurious clothes trimmed in gold who tells people that they need to give up their obsession with material goods. Just one of his stupid hats or overpriced robes could fetch millions on eBay from some rich Catholic who wouldn’t donate one precious dime to charity, but would love to own a piece of “history,” which is what the Catholic Church will be pretty soon if they don’t start bringing more sheep back to the fold. Do you think he’d give one up, though? Nah, it’s better off in a glass case on display for tourists than converted into food for starving families. Something tells me that pointy headwear and shiny gowns aren’t going to convince anybody that the Church is more rational and reality-based than they used to be – sorry, fellas. But speaking of medieval beliefs…

Limbo has been in limbo for quite some time, but is now on its way to extinction. A Vatican committee that spent years examining the medieval concept on Friday published a much-anticipated report reversing limbo’s basic tenet that unbaptized babies who die may not go to heaven. That could reverse centuries of Roman Catholic traditional belief that the souls of unbaptized babies are condemned to eternity in limbo, a place that is neither heaven nor hell, giving rise to the popular usage meaning “in between.”
The Vatican’s International Theological Commission issued its findings — with the approval of Pope Benedict XVI — in a document published by the Catholic News Service, the news agency of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. Limbo, the commission said, “reflects an unduly restrictive view of salvation.” “Our conclusion,” the commission said in its 41-page report, is that there are “serious theological and liturgical grounds for hope that unbaptized infants who die will be saved and brought into eternal happiness.” The commission added that while this is not “sure knowledge,” it comes in the context of a loving and just God who “wants all human beings to be saved.”
A church decision to abolish limbo has long been expected. Benedict and his predecessor, the late Pope John Paul II, expressed misgivings about the concept. Benedict, when he was still Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger and the church’s top enforcer of dogma, said he viewed limbo as a mere “theological hypothesis.”

If your beliefs can be changed on a whim, especially by popular opinion, then isn’t your whole religion just a “theological hypothesis”? Christianity is particularly guilty of doing this all the time – one minute, something is a hell-worthy trespass, and the next, it’s something everybody commits guilt-free. The beliefs based on the Bible are absurd enough, but those founded on dogma are even worse. A magical place that’s not really a place where stillborns and aborted fetuses float around while being kind of alive but kind of dead for all eternity? Really?! This is apparently what they did with their time in the Middle Ages instead of watching reality TV and reruns of “Walker, Texas Ranger.” (Ok, to be fair, they took pleasure in torturing people with totally inhumane devices, too, which I guess isn’t so different.) And now that I think about it, if this has been around since the Dark Ages, why the fuck did it take so long for the Church to finally question this one? It’s a bunch of unborn babies drifting in a void somewhere…that didn’t strike anyone as a tad illogical or unfounded until now? And they were actually able to come up with 41 pages as to why they think limbo doesn’t exist. I haven’t done one second of research, but here’s my remarkably conclusive answer as to why you shouldn’t believe in limbo – it’s fucking stupid. It’s completely and utterly stupid to believe in pretty much anything medieval people believed, like magic and dragons and things of that nature, but it’s especially stupid to believe in a void where dead babies hover around waiting for salvation; an idea made up by Christians who thought nothing of murdering millions of people in horribly cruel ways in the name of an invisible man who taught us to love one another as we love ourselves, but found the thought of babies burning in hell was just way too harsh for your average Crusader to contemplate. Kenneth J. Wolfe, a columnist for the Catholic newspaper The Remnant (a fitting name, considering only a small remnant of modern humanity actually reads this traditionalist horseshit), is the one of the only people on Earth who has some sort of emotional attachment to this supernatural infant twilight zone. He says that not only does it negate the need for dunking a newborn’s head in water and deciding his beliefs for him before he’s even old enough to learn his own name, but it also deprives self-righteous pricks from using it to scare unwed teen girls out of having an abortion. (I don’t think he said it in quite that way, but that’s at least how I heard it.) I can see why this will be a big loss for the conservative Christian community – it’s just one less thing they’ll have to hold over people’s heads and make themselves feel morally superior…at least until they have a stillborn. Then limbo can go to hell.

That being said, if I can produce a 41-page report on why god doesn’t exist, do we get to stop believing in him, too? Now that I have to give up my belief in sorcery, it just seems like the next logical step…

Tens of thousands of Angola’s Catholics lined the streets of the capital Saturday for a blessing from Pope Benedict XVI, who urged the country’s faithful to reach out and convert people who believe in witchcraft. “In today’s Angola,” he said at Mass in Luanda, “Catholics should offer the message of Christ to the many who live in the fear of spirits, of evil powers by whom they feel threatened.”
The pope began his day addressing Catholic clergymen and nuns, telling them to be missionaries to those Angolans “living in fear of spirits, of malign and threatening powers. In their bewilderment they end up even condemning street children and the elderly as alleged sorcerers.” In Africa, some churchgoing Catholics also follow traditional animist religions and consult medicine men and diviners who are denounced by the church. People accused of sorcery or of being possessed by evil powers sometimes are killed by fearful mobs. Local media have reported that police last year rescued 40 children who had been held by two religious sects after being accused by their own families of witchcraft.

So according to Benedict, I need to deliver the message of Christ to those living in fear of evil spirits. Well, sit down and get comfy, Christians, because I’ve got a story for you! Seriously, what the hell is the difference between your evil spirits and their evil spirits? They murder people accused of witchcraft or possession by demons, and Christians have murdered people because they were gay or held beliefs that were considered evil…either way, you’re killing people because of an irrational fear or hatred. Essentially, without the Church’s constant threats of being punished in hell by evil spirits in the afterlife, what other reason would a Catholic have for doing good? For goodness’ sake? Yeah, that’s a good one…see if that slides during your next homily. And what is the difference between one of the Pope’s blessings and some good juju from a witchdoctor? It’s all the same bullshit with a different name and a funnier headdress. Even the idea of possession by evil spirits has Biblical examples…is Benedict trying to say that he never saw “The Exorcist”? I’m sure the Christians out there would love to argue right now that they’re much saner than these crazy sorcery-loving mobs, but right before the Pope’s speech…

Two people were killed after deadly stampede broke out at a stadium a few hours before Pope Benedict XVI addressed young people in the Angolan capital of Luanda on Saturday. The Rev. Federico Lombardi said the Pope is “very upset” by reports that two people were killed in the crush. The stampede broke out as the gates to Luanda’s Coqueiros stadium opened hours before Benedict arrived, Lombardi said.
Portuguese news agency LUSA cited an unidentified source at a local hospital as saying a man and a woman were killed, eight others were hospitalized with minor injuries and 10 were given medical assistance at the site. An Associated Press reporter saw another stampede break out when the Pope arrived, and at least 20 people were taken away in ambulances.

Yeah, they sound like the kind of people that I could sit down and have a balanced philosophical discussion with…as soon as I get their feet off my throat. And that’s how they act when they’re happy to see somebody…imagine if they were pissed off! Saying that following Christianity is more realistic than believing in sorcery is like saying that believing a zombie floated on clouds up to a magic kingdom in the sky makes more sense than imaging that someone could be possessed. Neither is true, but at least one is observable…if you don’t have any understanding of what a convulsion or mental illness is, of course. But as his recent trip to Africa shows, the Pope’s influence may be dwindling in some areas, but in others, it’s strong enough to generate a deadly stampede. And if these people take his condemnation of contraception seriously, he could destroy many more lives with another careless comment. If his positions on silly hats or imaginary planes of existence don’t convince you that this guy’s not living in reality, then just ask a Catholic missionary who is living in Africa right now if his pious personal convictions have saved any lives lately. A little piece of rubber probably saved a life last weekend. Benedict’s speech cost two.