Touchdown Jesus Burns, No Lessons Learned

by Rich on 06/25/2010

in Religion

Before I begin, no, I did not mean for that headline to rhyme. But I like it, so we’re keeping it. Moving on…

The internet-famous King of Kings statue went by was mocked by many names…Touchdown Jesus, Big Butter Jesus, Drowning Jesus, Super Jesus…but right now, he’s just Burn Victim Jesus. The 62-foot tall, 40-foot wide statue in Monroe, Ohio of some football-crazed Jew went up in flames last week after being struck by lightning during a storm. If you’re not familiar with this gigantic false idol, here’s your basis of comparison…

This is payback for all those heretics burned at the stake.

If there’s one god I’d believe in after that storm, it would definitely be Thor, not that guy. But the Solid Rock Church, who built the statue our of plastic foam and fiberglass over a steel frame (Talk about irony there.), said the $250,000 monument to monumental wastes of money would be rebuilt…especially since it was insured for $500,000.

Let’s take a minute to examine this, shall we? Since real logic cannot be used to discuss religion, let’s use religious logic (A paradox, I know.) for a minute. The hygiene-adverse hillbillies that attend this over 4,000 member megachurch in Bumblefuck, Ohio are the kind of people that consistently beg for a sign from the heavens. If they saw a piece of burnt toast or a skid mark in their toilet that even remotely resembled a bearded white guy, you better fucking believe they’d be on their knees praising god for that non-miracle that did absolutely nothing to affect anyone in any positive way whatsoever. But here we have a bolt of pure electricity descending from the clouds on high to smite an overzealous and overpriced religious symbol whose very existence mocks the simple cloak-and-sandal-clad champion of the poor and downtrodden that this effigy depicts and the reaction is, “Let’s rebuild it.” Wow. You want a sign from god? There’s your goddamn sign, and you don’t even need Bill Engvall to tell you that one, you fucking fatuous piece of trailer trash.

Back to reality, where we realize that this is just coincidental, hilarious, and dripping with the kind of irony that English professors get a boner for, don’t you wonder just how many people $500,000 could feed? You see those goddamn guilt-ridden commercials on TV every day saying that you can feed some kid in Africa for less than a dollar a day; that kind of money could feed a lot of kids for the rest of their lives at that rate, or at least 500,000 kids for one day. What would the founder of this church, a former horse trader and current stock trader, say to that?

The church’s electronic sign had a simple message flashing Tuesday: “He’ll Be Back”.

Lawrence Bishop said in 2004 he was trying to help people, not impress them, with the statue. He said his wife proposed the Jesus figure as a beacon of hope and salvation.

Unless Touchdown Jesus was tossing fishes and loaves of bread with those massive arms of his over to those starving millions, I don’t think he was helping anybody in any meaningful sort of way. Rather than serve as beacon of hope and salvation, why not restore somebody’s hope by actually saving them? The answer is simple, really, so let’s just call a spade a spade – he was a billboard, a $250,000 billboard for a church business with over 4,000 regular customers suckers. And he worked. He worked quite well, and he’ll continue to when he’s rebuilt, I’m sure.

Mike Phillips and Erica Robbe said they plan to store away pieces of the statue.

“For most people, I would hope it represents belief in God and religion — a place something like a memorial,” Phillips said.

Mike is right about one thing – it does represent belief in a god and religion…a big, expensive distraction from what really matters. Burn baby…burn.

Sorry, I just couldn’t end this one on a serious note. Yes, that’s Metallica’s “Ride the Lightning” playing over the video. I have to agree with the YouTube poster – “This had to be done.” Enjoy.